The Elephant-man Formula
I am on my back with feet up, keyboard on my lap because I have no memory for what is important.
I can remember the smell of my grandma's apartment in upstate NY, (which is something between mothballs, lysol and cheap french perfume) I can remember the phone number of my best freind in high school, I can even remember the shape of the birthmark on the ass of a cute dancer on the bar of the the boom Boom room in Laguna in 1994, but I have so much trouble remembering that when I feel that familiar twinge in my back, to go and lie down.
Instead i engage in activities that will soon compromise my condition down to the levels of "crippling" and send me crawling like a turtle to the chiropractor's office. I worked on a bike on my knees, helped a friend wire his house for surround sound, drank a sixpack of beer and sat slouched on a understuffed sofa during a homoerotic b movie and ate pizza.

When i woke up. I was so wracked with muscle spasms I was doing a John Merrick imitation all the way to the bathroom, and felt twice as ugly (Hint:"I am not an animal!")

I called in the troops and speedialed Winslow.
"I'm going to need a ride to Dr. Kam's this morning, I'm in pretty bad shape"

His answering machine nodded in agreement, and he was at my door within the hour.

'What happened?" he asked surprised "When I left you at the end of that great movie you were fine!"

I didn't know how to tell him that it was a series of boring and seemingly innocent events that led to this mishap, so I made something up about pulling an old couple from a burning building "About an hour after you left!"

He bought it, but I had to come up with clever details on my back in the van on the drive over to see the Dr.
After my chiro snapped my sacrum back into the proper position, and my compass was once again facing North, we headed me back to the house and set up a temp office in the living room so I can work one of my busiest days of the week (saturday) and still watch TV. It hurts to sneeze, cough or laugh out loud. You can imagine what else hurts so I won't be visiting any porn sites while in this condition either.

'I'm a cripple!" is what I keyed into Microsoft Instant messenger to my office in Dominica, W.I. " I had a blow-out, I'm on my back and i can barely walk!" I omitted the reference to the elephant man, they don't watch much TV down there that isn't sports related. I doubted if they would get it.
"That's nasty" came the reply, quickly followed by "We need all our forms updated within the hour!"

It seems mercy doesn't upload easily, so no slack was cut.

"If you can chat, you can work!" and so it goes, but at my pace. It still takes me 20 minutes just to pee. Have you tried to get your fly open with one hand while holding yourself up against the wall with the other? it isn't easy.I leanred the hard way ( no pun intended ) to head for the Loo BEFORE my bladder is full enough to burst. There's only so much '"Nursing" Winslow is willing to provide.

As I left Louis and Shannon's house last night, Louis calmly looked me in the eye and said "Please come to the party on Sunday, even if it's only for a little while." This confused the hell out of me, because both of them and I know of my notoriuos reputation for being the last to leave a party. I am so bent on hooking up at these great L.A. Gay events that I end up sizing up the hosts by the end of the evening, and eventually walking in on them in the bathroom in the morning. I've bought breakfast for L&S more times than I care to mention, and I ALWAYS promise myself on the lonely walk to my car, the afternoon sun blaring in my bloodshot eyes that I will NEVER EVER stay so long at a party again. So this remark fom Louis I found a bit disturbing, until now. YES he knows me so well that a "please come to my party" under normal circumstances seems silly, but he also knows me well enough to predict where I'll be for the next couple of days when I'm, "walking in that PAINED way". He knew today I'd be cripped up better than I did. Maybe I should get this incident on video to help me remember: Put the toilet seat dowm when there are female guests about, don't leave the cheese platter on the coffee table when the dogs are about, cover your mouth when you sneeze, and when you feel the old back twinge- get your butt to bed!!

More hell to come.

Posted by tommy 8/30/03