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June 18th
 Desperatley Seeking Sanity
I got an email from one of my Ex's formers(see guestbook), one I'd never heard of before. He wants the XBF's stats, says he blew him off last new years and he wants to confront him. After consulting with the all knowing guru(Camber Hill) about Mr. X (who has his own Blog by the way) about "The Right Thing To Do" I decided to alert JD to the situation, and quickly wash my hands of it. As much as I would love to sit down over a crispy creme and divulge all the nasties, it would probably not serve me, JD, or this guy in the slightest. Not in the long term anyway. Alas, I must learn that "Over it" really does include the word "OVER".
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June 18th
Why, no really, Why?
 My high school reunion is on July 12th.
20 years ago I graduated from Carthage Central high school and aside from a few showings as best man, I have hardly seen a single sole I knew since leaving Carthgae in '85.
I 've never missed them, attributing it to the fact that I was voted most likely to pump gas. In retrospect I would probably have had better memories if I wasn't so hard up in the closet during those years. Seems when I finally did come out to my family and friends in '89, my whole feeling of self confidence expanded, and I was able to focus my energies on things more important than getting laid, and then trying to keep it a secret. Had I known the rtansformation would have been so positive, I'd have admitted my secret as early as Augustinian Academy.
I'm a little on the fence about how this will go over for me, I'm not sure if I should make my sexuality a part of it, keep it off the table, or both. People are going to ask if I'm married, have kids, etc. It sure would be nice to just say "hell no, I'm a total fag" without that concept dominating the conversation for the remainer of the evening.
I suppose the girls will get more comfortable with me, and the guys a little less, and maybe some will move as far away from me as possible, due to the fact that more than one of my classmates has had his dick in my hands at least once.
Hopefully all of us will come to the conclusion that we were all a bunch of kids back then, and it has little or nothing to do with who we are today. If I thought I had some people to apologize to, for pretending to be straight, I probably wouldn't go.
But I'm going, and many are asking me why? Why put myself through the embarrasement of recalling all that closet crap?
The truth is, I'm pretty proud of myself these days.Carthage is a small, one horse town, and I have a nice life in L.A., so I was really successful at pulling off the old idea of "Getting the hell outta here!" Besides, I would love to find out who else of the class of '89 was in the closet- That would be very interesting.
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June 9th, 2004
The last birthday card
A guy that I consider to be a good friend recently turned 37 the other day.
Years ago I asked him when his birthday was, and he said "June 3rd, and don't you ever forget it!"
Funny thing, I never have. I remember conversations verbatim, kind of like an audio "photographic memory", and if I have ever been aware what the date was, I will remember a birthday. On june 3rd I remembered, made a little card and carted it over to his house and left it in the door.
There comes a time when a person should stop expecting people to remember their birthdays, and that age is around 11. There also comes a time when a person should realize who is treating who like a doormat.
I have often noticed that this friend of mine doesn't carry the average amount of interest in what I might refer to as friendship maintenance. He's not lousey at returning calls, he just doesn't. He's not simply flakey, or "Once in a while" doesn't follow through on what he says he'll do. In fact, as many people are consistently "On" this guy is consistently off. He's never on time, if he shows up at all. He never returns calls or remembers a birthday. If he does show up, it's empty handed.
He is remarkeably consistent in the negative, and the only redeeming quality in all of this is that he's flipantly unapologetic about it. He makes no time to apologize and promise you anything outside of more of the same. He lives his life to his own personal convenience and gives no heed to the expectations of others whatsoever.
The remarkeable thing about all of this is that he's not new. We've been friends for over 10 years and it's always been this way.
Is he treating me like a doormat? No. Fact is, he's not treating me at all. If I'm angry at the current state it's at myself for letting it go on. I understand I am only letting myself down by putting myself out there time after time. I'm a stubborn man, who likes to think I can move people to be more than they are. In most cases I can, but once in a while you snag an immoveable object and you have to decide, is it your head or the wall that gives?
Sometimes I fantasize about telling him off. I often imagine the conversation, and it always involves me, angry and redfaced, demanding he be more responsible with my feelings. Eventually I laugh at the thought of it. He has disarmed my anger before with a simple question; "Do you think I owe you something Thomas?" In reality, no. Nothing but assumed social expecations of debt. "I remember your birthday, you remember mine". Tit for tat, quid pro-quo. However, these rules don't apply to my friend, they never have. Not with me or anyone else in his life. They don't compute into his concious. They involve a social moray that he has never adopted, maybe becuase the concept was never properly introduced into his social upbringing.
He doesn't get it, and gets that he doesn't get it, and prefers it that way. I have to admire him for that, and that how he comes across to other people is not a concern, and this trait has not left him short of friends or lovers. It's worked for him, to the utter frusttration of those of us who have this concept so deeply ingrained in our psyche that we find ourselves enslaved by it. He shrugs the whole idea off, this thought that he is obligated to make other people happy with superficial gestures of good will. He sees it as a grand waste of his own time.
In the long run he may be right, that it's a needless and impotent cultural institution, this 'social responsibility', but none the less, he's primarily alone. Like the one kid in school who was never vaccinated, he has no more risk of infecting the other kids as being infected himself. Louis would only suffer the affects of his attitude if everyone else around him shared the same concept.
In that, he's lucky, and we'll never know how he would feel if no one remembered his birthday, either because we never will, or no one will stick around long enough to find out.
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June 6th, 2004
Somewhere between midnight and death.
I can't sleep, again. I get started o.k., and then 15 minutes into I snap awake, and that's it, I'm done for the night. Strange, I know, but it seems to be a recurring theme.
Currently I'm drinking bedtime tea and hoping for the best.
Bang fell deep about 7 minutes into it.
It takes me back to my childhood a bit. Tim an I used to share a room, and it was always a contest to see who could get to sleep first. The goal was simple, fall asleep first and sleep soundly all night. The one who missed the boat to la-la-land was up all night staring at the ceiling, and since that was ususally me, I was staring at the bottom side of Tim's top-bunk mattress.
So I greet the cat in the hallway and start boiling tea, and gear up for a few minutes of something to help me get drowsey.
This month seems a bit messy to me, I have a lot going on, but nothing is really nailed down yet, so it's like a bunch of balls in the air, and I don't kow where their going to land. I have a new website for a beverly hills florist I'm procrastinating, I have a west-coast family reunion in a week or so, and in July, I have a Gay wedding in Napa, an anniversary and a birthday with Bang, a high-school reunion and another trip south to Dominica for 2 weeks. I wont' have my feet on the ground until at least the end of august, and I'm feeling a bit uprooted already.
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Cheap Thrill #14
The bosses son got married in May, and Bang and I took the RV to Scottsdale AZ to witness the affair. I can only imagine just how absolutely bored he was to be mixed up in that event, but he took it all like a trooper. I think he honestly had fun, though he'd never admit it if he didn't.
 On the way out of Arizona, we picked a campground off the 10 freeway that boasted primitive sites for $10 a night, or full hook-ups for $20. We decided to give it a shot and walked into a really creepy-looking yard in a dark area that boasted "Hot Springs"
After a 5 minute converstion with two 70-something nudists we discovered that this was not a campground, but a resort, and we had the opportunity to enjoy a hot soak in a hot spring in the middle of the desert in 100 degree heat at 10 p.m. for only $45 per person.
We decided to park in the lot across the street for the night and-pardon the pun, sweat it out.
Now, the evening and consequential breakfast at the local truckstop(complete with hot coffe, a single stale waffle, flourescent yellow omlettes and a late 60's waitress trying to look 30), were less than eventful, and I shouldn't even be writing about it, but I felt I should because I've never seen to septegenerians naked in the middle of the desert before. I felt I absolutely had to at least MENTION it!
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Does this come in a size 34?
I Vant some Ansahs, Dommeet!
I saw a very interesting film last night about human chemical processes, emotions and quantum physics.
I Started doing Yoga (via DVD) this week as a way of dealiing with this periformis syndrome.